Brand Loyalty

For your viewing pleasure i present to you
20 interesting names for 20 varieties of Heroin.

I am not sure as to why i am posting this, but uh...
by all means read on my little raincoat-wearin monkey people.

And for the record Mr. Primeminister,
I am currently wearing my ninja turtles underwear in the dark with an econo-sized box of captain crunch (which they now spell CAPT ' N CRUNCH...which is bullshit), a half gallon of chocolate cappucino soymilk and an hour to kill before Dario Argento's INFERNO comes on.


1. 46&2
That's great defile a TOOL song. "Fuck all you junkies and fuck your short memories!" thank you Maynard for your delicate sensitive side, we've all grown to love.
An thats all I have to say about that.

2. Old Varnish
Sounds tasty, mmm polyurethane me baby!

3. Fingerling
This right here, is an interesting name. Fingerling...wtf? Something very small? A fish?
A potato? NO! Junk! Get Tight!

4. Big Mac
Lil trendy corporate tie-in...how clever -_-
Real imaginative Stew, Good stuff no really.
Damned Mickey and his creepy clowns and things.

5. Snitch Wheezel
Little snot-nosed anklebiters riding tricycles to the drum snuff troll in his jingley truck for sum Snitch Wheezel. Just like Momma used to make.

6. Body Bag
Nice pleasant imagery, you gonna die muthafucka!!! If you shoot my shit in yo arm.
Thank you come again.

7. Bone-Collector
Horrible 1999 spooky thriller, most likely a horrible breed of bloodstream candy.

8. Mogwai
Cute and furry...why not ?

9. Cold Water
This is just boring.

10. Snickerdoodle
I love snickerdoodle cookies, i would totally buy this smack...wide-eyed and grinning like a school girl, that is if were a junkie.

11. Big Fat Cock
This excites me in more ways then one, no further comments.

12. AT&T
I really can't stand chemists and drug dealers naming product after companies, actualy brands, burger joints, clothing labels....this pisses me off beyond belief. Not only does it show a total lack of creativity, but it doesn't even sound good and odds are it isn't good. For example, i remember back in 2005 there was this run of E moving around the NY scene called are you ready for this "Lysol." The troglodyte that pressed it even embossed it with the actual trademarked LYSOL label (which didn't work, i might add. The press was way too big, because the "L" ended up looking like a strang hyphen) and thats not even the worst part. It was shit, seemed like stale cough suppresant and caffeine and whatever else was under his grandmothers kitchen sink.
Sufficed to say people who name drugs after real brands are A. Dull and unimaginative B. The pushers of poo and finally just terrible human beings.

13. Nevilles Hayz
Not to be mistaken for the delicious strain of marijuana called NEVILLE'S HAZE.
Another dull name.

14. Dead.Com
I am quickly coming to the conclusion that heroin dealers completely and utterly suck at naming their product. I guess it doesn't matter considering it'll probablly kill their customers anyway. With that logic they might as well call it
STANKY POO SKANK STICK FUNNYBONE #12...which is come to think of it,
a rather neat name. Don't steal it ya friggin low-domes its mine! I'm putting it on Lay-away! Its all mine to enjoy :)

15. Death Certificate
Another name that admits to its inherent danger. Don't you wish real businesses approached consumers with this blunt and honest form of advertising. Example:
CR*ST toothpaste, "Our teeth cleaning paste contains fluoride which causes cancer and kills labratory animals...so uh keep dem teef nice and white and tumorous!" or "Tastes great, make your ass nice and fat and causes heart disease which is the leading cause of death in america" for BUGER K*NG or W*NDY'S or MC*ONALDS or any other genetically modified grease pit comatorium that americans woddle their sloppy asses into day after day for a quick fix of saturated fats and hydrogenated oils. Best part is people would probablly use the products and eat the food regardless of the honesty, i mean shit look at sex and cigarettes and and....


16. Monkey Brains
Indianna Jones and the Temple of Doom, or that cheesy scene from Faces of Death or a needle sticking out of a blue arm just like that gimp that caught one in philly.

17. Red Rum
The Junk that snuffed Jonathan Melvion
(Touring keyboardest for the SMASHING PUMPKINS)

18. Red & Spotted Dick
Wonder if this is a reference to "Spotted Dick and Custard"...which is a mind-blowingly scrumptious kind of dessert from England. The World Wide Web of doom suggests its a crude reference to dog penis -_-

19. British Teeth
If i did heroin, this is the brand i would be loyal to. I for one do not have british teeth, but i find folks with um rather intriguing. Send me photo's of your strange chompers and i will giggle with glee and fufillment.

20. Son of Sam
A serial killer...lets call it Jack the Ripper or Henry Lee Lucas...Or Albert Fish or or so many names so little time....so many unimaginative choices to help represent the scary nature of ma extra special sparkley needle juice while providing my customer with a clear example of my lack of originality.